Thursday, September 24, 2015

Pregnancy blues

It's been years since I've had the means to blog, so I've decided to do a little post for those who care.

Did you know, one in five women experience depression during their pregnancy? Prepartum depression occurs before the baby is born and usually worsens once the baby arrives. I, unfortunately, am one of those one in five odds.

My day could start off great. Breakfast and tea, my son and I going for a drive and suddenly it hits. That aching feeling that everything is wrong. My fiances leaving, he's cheating on me, he deserves better than me, I'm going to be a single mother again, etc. My mind races to the most illogical insecurities that I begin to push everyone that matters to me away in order to protect myself from getting hurt. When in reality, none of those things are happening, it's my anxiety.

I've struggled with depression and anxiety since my early high school days and it's seemed to be heightened the last few years. I want to have friends and be social, yet I want to spend my days secluded and alone. I want to succeed, yet I have no motivation to do so. I care about everything and feel everything so deeply yet I am numb and feel nothing at the same time. Unless you suffer from depression and anxiety, you probably think I'm a complete lunatic or some bipolar twit. It's so hard to explain and talk about to someone that has never had to live with it.

Dealing with it personally and being around someone dealing with it are two completely different things. If you've never actually experienced what I go through on an almost daily basis, you have no right to judge me. You have no right to tell me to get over it, suck it up, move on, or just be happy. You have no right because you don't know. This is a disease that millions of people in the world are trying to deal with. Millions of people who tell themselves every morning that today is going to be a good day yet never get to see the sun.

I so badly want to hug everyone that has ever been through this. It ruins relationships, families, friendships. It ruins peoples lives because those who have never dealt with it, don't know how to, nor do they feel like they should. This could be the depression and anxiety talking, but quite frankly, I don't believe it ever really gets better, it simply gets masked. Waiting in the shadows of your darkest corners for you to slip up and then you have to start all over again.

The truth is, happiness is a destination and if it were easy, hell, we'd all be smiling.

I hope to reach those sandy beaches, one day..